On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, rabies.

Not on purpose, but if you will invariably gift your intended a zoo full of feather livestock, then accidents will happen. Perhaps it’s not rabies, it might just be a simple case of parrot fever. A bit of pneumonia never hurt anyone, right? Fuckin’ turtle doves. They’re nothing but uppity pigeons.

However, they do mate for life making them a perfect emblem of devoted love and monogamy. And where best to look for clues to long term love than in a public toilet at a park?

Hampstead Heath is well known for it’s unkempt, rambling woods and murky, natural swimming ponds (or lidos). It’s also well known in modern parlance as the place where George Michael was arrested for trying to solicit a quick blowy from a plain clothes Police Officer. Tsk tsk George. I’ve heard tell that Kevin Spacey and Sadie Frost have enjoyed similar clandestine encounters in the Hampstead loos without the need for forensic intervention.

Isn’t it beautiful? Doesn’t it just make you want to rush to the closest public toilet and fornicate with whom ever is closest?

When I was researching for this post I was trying to discover which toilet was most popular with the cottaging gents of the area. But, alas after penetrating down a shallow hole of Google searches such as “Which toilet is most popular for gay sex?” and “Where did George Michael try to suck off a cop?” I realised that if I wasn’t careful I could end up on an internet watch list.

Hampstead Heath public toilets, exterior

So, rather than find the exact toilet (thought I managed to narrow it down to the West end of the Heath) I decided that I would wander around one afternoon and take in the splendor. Then review the first bathroom I came across.

This little shack is located between a children’s playground, a mini zoo and a field of deer/antlered creatures. It would seem in that situation the toilet would be more innocent than the Easter Bunny’s undies but deep down I know that not to be true.

Hampstead Heath public toilets, exterior of building

Hampstead Heath public toilets, interior toilet stall

It wasn’t the tidiest, but there were no obvious displays of bodily excretions. Still I could think of more romantic places to spend a date.

Hampstead Heath public toilets, interior toilet

Hampstead Heath public toilets, interior bins

Hampstead Heath public toilets, interior mirror

The only really telling thing about these loos, was the hand prints on the mirror. Gives a new meaning to that scene in Titanic when they are in the car.

Hampstead Heath public toilets, interior stall

The second stall was a mite cleaner but otherwise identical.

Rating

Cleanliness : 5/10 It’s a public toilet in a large park so I wasn’t expecting it to be in great shape but on the whole, it was pretty clean.

Interior : 7/10 The toilets had all the things you might require and because there were two you could probably hide out and panic in there for a little while without someone banging on the door. The same privacy and anonymity prized by the cottaging gays, would double as very convenient for agoraphobes such as myself. Though far less fun.

Exterior : 9/10 The park is stunningly beautiful. The wild and abandoned feel of the place makes you forget that you are only minutes from the center of one of the largest cities in the world. It’s green, quiet and in places verging on magical.

Safety : 4/10 Hmm yeah probably not a place I’d want to wander about on my own without a large obedient dog. The Heath isn’t too dodgy as far as London parks go, but the same privacy that is so breathtakingly beautiful could afford a mugger plenty of time to switch-knife stick you up without anyone ever hearing you scream.

Snugglitude : 6/10 I love a park loo because I feel no guilt or obligation about spending far longer than is usual inside. I don’t worry that someone will be inconvenienced or that anyone’s business will suffer because of my issues and that makes me feel safe.

Total : 31/50

Hampstead Heath public toilets *puns definitely intended*

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Hampstead Heath public toilets puns definitely intended